A Few Deflated Footballs…

Admission. I usually post more business related type topics on this blog. But, I’m also an avid Colts fan. And I know better than to blame the Colts’ 38 point loss in the AFC Championship game to the superior New England Deflatriots on a few deflated footballs. Let’s just get that out of the way and get on to enjoying the comedy gold that is a controversy about suspiciously deflated balls.

Now to the fun part. The light bulb moment. The New England Deflatriots AFC Championship #DeflateGate controversy and A Few Good Men?

A perfect marriage. I just couldn’t resist the opportunity to imagine…”A Few Deflated Footballs”:

[Coach Belichick chuckles while on the witness stand]

Luck: Is this funny, sir?

Coach Belichick[face falls to a look of disgust] No, it isn’t. It’s tragic.

Luck: Do you have an answer to the question, Coach? What happened to the deflated footballs?

Coach Belichick: Absolutely. My answer is I don’t have the first damn clue. Maybe the balls deflated due to the dropping temperatures. And maybe the Colts footballs were deflated too. I’m an educated man, but I’m afraid I can’t speak intelligently about the pressure properties of an NFL football. What I do know is that we won the AFC Championship 45-7. Now, are these the questions I was really called here to answer? Refs squeezing balls and Football PSI? Please tell me that you have something more, Grizzly Adams. Your team lost decisively. Please tell me their star quarterback hasn’t pinned their hopes to a deflated football.

[Luck hesitates, dumbfounded]

Coach Belichick: Do you have any more questions for me, 12?

Commisioner Goddell: Mr. Luck? [pause] Do you have anything further for this witness? I’m now required by NFL owners to dig much deeper into issues than I have in the past.

[Belichick defiantly gets up to leave the courtroom]

Coach Belichick: Thanks, Roger. I love Phoenix.

Luck: Excuse me. I didn’t dismiss you.

Coach Belichick: I beg your pardon?

Luck: I’m not through with my examination. Sit down.

Coach Belichick: Coach.

Luck: What’s that?

Coach Belichick: I would appreciate it if he would address me as “Coach” or “Sir.” I believe I’ve earned it.

Commissioner Goddell: Mr. Luck will address the witness as “Coach” or “Sir.”

Coach Belichick[to Goddell] I don’t know what the hell kind of league you’re running here.

Commissioner Goddell: And the witness will address me as “Commissioner.” I’m quite certain I’ve earned it. Or had at one point prior to this season. Take your seat, Coach.

Luck: A moment ago, you said that you ordered Tom Brady to tell the ball boys that the footballs weren’t to be touched.

Belichick: That’s right.

Luck: And Brady was clear on what you wanted?

Belichick: Crystal.

Luck: Any chance Brady ignored the order?

Belichick: Ignored the order?

Luck: Any chance he forgot about it?

Belichick: No.

Luck: Any chance Tom Brady went to the sideline and said, “the old man is wrong”?

Belichick: No.

Luck: When Tom Brady spoke to the ball boys and ordered them not to touch the footballs, any chance they ignored him?

Belichick: You ever played for a championship team, son?

Luck: No, sir.

Belichick: Ever played in a Super Bowl?

Luck: No, sir.

Belichick: Ever put your team on your back during a game winning drive to hoist a Lombardi trophy?

Luck: No, sir.

Belichick: We follow orders, son. We follow orders or we lose. It’s that simple. Are we clear?

Luck: Yes, sir.

Belichick: Are we clear?!

Luck: Crystal. Coach, I just have one more question before I put D’Qwell Jackson and the game officials on the stand. If you gave an order that the footballs weren’t to be touched, and your orders are always followed, then why would the footballs be deflated? Why would it be necessary for the NFL to inspect the footballs at half time?

Belichick: The footballs were low quality footballs. They arrived flat…

Luck: That’s not what you said. You said the temperature likely changed the footballs.

Belichick: That’s correct.

Luck: You said you were unaware of the deflated footballs. I said “you had no idea”? You said…

Belichick: I recall what I said.

Luck: I could have Troy Vincent read back to you…

Belichick: I know what I said! I don’t have to have it read back to me, like I’m…

Luck: Then why the deflated balls? Coach?

Belichick: Sometimes men take matters into their own hands.

Luck: No, sir. You made it clear just a moment ago that your men never take matters into their own hands. Your men follow orders or teams lose championships. So the balls shouldn’t have been deflated, should they, Coach?

Belichick: You nearded, little bastard.

Kraft: Commish, I’d like to ask for recess. Maybe a party at my place?

Luck: I’d like an answer to the question, Commish.

Commish: The commish will wait for an answer. I’ve learned my lesson this year. Is there a video of the balls actually being deflated available? No. Okay, just checking.

Luck: If Tom Brady gave an order that the footballs weren’t to be touched, then why were the balls deflated? Coach? Tom Brady ordered the deflated footballs, didn’t he? Because that’s what you told Tom Brady to do!

Kraft: Objection!

Luck: And when the refs found out, you blamed the ball boys! You had Brady lie on the radio, Gronk tweet a funny photo, and you blamed the ball boys!

Kraft: Damn it, Luck!

Luck: You coerced Tom Brady!

Commish: Consider yourself on the commisioner’s exempt list!

Luck: Coach Belichick, did you order the footballs to be deflated AFTER they were inspected by the officials?!

Commish: You don’t have to answer that question! (Unless of course there’s video evidence…)

Belichick: I’ll answer the question. You want answers?

Luck: I think I’m entitled!

Belichick: You want answers?!

Luck: I want the truth!

Belichick: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that only values championships, and those championships have to be won to cement your legacy. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lucky Luck guy? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep about flat footballs and you curse Tom Brady. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know, that Tom Brady’s legacy, while respected, needs another Super Bowl. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, wins games! You don’t want the truth, because deep down in places you don’t talk about at practice, you want me to win championships. You need me to win championships. We use words like “teamwork”, “rivalries”, “toughness”. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent chasing something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the rivalry and ratings that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said “thank you”, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a football, and try to beat my secondary. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to!

Luck: Did you order the deflated footballs?

Belichick: I coached a team that kicked your—-

Luck: Did you order the deflated footballs?!!

Belichick: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!!

Coach Belichick[Commish dismisses the jury] What is this? What’s going on? I did what it takes to win, I’d do it again! [stands up defiantly] I’m gonna win the Super Bowl and I’m going to $%*&! Disney World!

Commisioner Goddell: You’re not going anywhere, Coach. Refs… eject the Coach!

[Refs grab Belichick]

Commisioner Goddell: Mr. Kraft?

Coach Belichick: What the hell is this?

Mr. Kraft: Coach Belichick, you are a schmuck. I told you that after Spygate…

Coach Belichick[while Kraft continues lighting in to him] I’m being accused of cheating? Is that what this is? I’m being accused of cheating? This is funny. That’s what this is. This is… [turning to Luck and lunging at him] I’m gonna rip the beard out of your face one hair at a time and shove fully inflated footballs into your huge ass mouth! You messed with the wrong defensive mastermind!

Mr. Kraft: Coach Belichick, do you understand the impact you’ve had on our team’s legacy?

Coach Belichick: You f’ing people. You have no idea how to win a championship. All you did was weaken the NFL today, Luck. That’s all you did. You “deflated” the game you love. Good “Luck”, son.

Luck: Don’t call me son. I’m a quarterback, of the Indianapolis Colts. And you’re a cheating, lying son of a bitch. Beli-cheat is excused.

Credit: Adapted from the original movie quotes from “A Few Good Men” found at WikiQuote.com

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